deck of cards

So…it has taken me months of intense therapy of all sorts, internal soul-searching, a few unintended set backs, and tons of sleep to get me back on a similar track where I can again chug along like the tug boat that could. Where am I now? I really don’t know. I don’t see things quite the same way as I used to; well it’s because I am seeing new things come my way.

Life has always been interesting; but for the first time it has become hard work. I work hard at keeping it together in ways I never had to before. There are days when all I want to do is sit; and others all I want to do is run. My days never now shape up the way they seemingly look like at the start, and conversations- well those are harder to have. Am I going inwards? Maybe. Am I so changed in my mind that I can’t think the way I used to? Maybe.

Family now an interesting dynamic that has changed in the last few months. The maternal side of my family I got up and left. The paternal side basically left hanging. The In-laws we have kept because they are too far away to make much of an impact on day-to-day stuff. So it’s just us. Friends…another interesting thing happened along the way…they fell off the face of the earth. Something to do with not understanding what we were facing…yep…not understanding. Heck you only understand if you’ve lived it; but sympathy and companionship have very little to do with that…so I said Ma’salaama and fare-thee-well. No loss other than that which can’t be recovered.

Work; slower timetable shall we say…actually later work hours. Start later in the day, unless it’s a meeting I can’t move; and ending later in the day so I can get on a train, to sit and relax as part of my unloading while I get home. More delegating, not that stress goes down with that but my doctors all say it’s better for me. And to give me a whole new look on work I am now doing more creative things that are invigorating and satisfying than before; but the edge is off now its smooth rounded sides. Boring, nope…just cast of different materials. More directing than pushing; less angst more outcomes.

So how have the deck of cards dealt to me in June compare to my earlier rush? The deck is less unpredictable but more satisfying. To read more, see more, hear more- talk less.

Hope the deck doesn’t get reshuffled anytime soon- I’m not quite comfortable with it; but it has come a long way from…well from where ever it was that I was at on May 29.


6 Responses to “deck of cards”

  1. February 16, 2010 at 7:56 am

    Great to read that you are back to the blogging world, and more importantly that your real world is “chugging along”. It would take some time even without set backs to re-integrate after such events. Yes, sadly some don’t understand, or are too frightened or embarrassed to show their caring. A friend went through a renal transplant and somehow lost lifelong friends along the way. She gained new ones from longstanding acquaintances and from new acquaintances. At times family close by seemed not to appreciate her situation, yet others with the same inherited disease and prior transplant flew in from other continents to offer support. Now she is fully reintegrated into her life.

    Her immediate family managed to get her common-law husband kicked out of her condo and life while she was too ill to fight back but they now see each other unbeknownst to the family (her mother either blows up or takes to her sick bed when there is any hint of an ongoing relationship so now it is fully secret).

    • 2 INAL
      February 16, 2010 at 9:57 pm

      Well we’ll keep her secret, for sure! Families- they are something! No?!

      Yes getting back into the ‘swing’ of things does take some doing- hopefully (knocking on wood) this particular chapter has ended and I can look forward to a few new things.

      Thanks for coming by and seeing what I’m up to, Bella!

      • February 16, 2010 at 11:24 pm

        LOL 🙂 Yes it is worse than I stated. Her mother has always hated him, and her mother needs a lot of care physically now. Since my friend is a physician and not married, and more importantly since the DIL doesn’t want Mama, the exit of the husband was orchestrated so that Mama could live with my friend who will care for her to her death even if they have to pay for a private nurse. Nice!

        Looking forward to more posts and comments from you!

        Take care!

      • 4 INAL
        February 17, 2010 at 1:08 am

        needs a … In big way !!!

  2. February 16, 2010 at 7:58 am

    PS thank you for the comment on my post, becoming a follower of my blog, and adding me to your blog roll. It means a lot to me coming from you, a commentator I have respected for so long, even before being email friends!

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