writing to keep myself company…

I am writing tonight to keep myself company.

A year ago tonight I sent one of my daughters to the prom; the other left for work; my husband was on call; my son was out of the country. The last thing I remember of May 28th was a cup of tea I had by myself in our kitchen. Then nothing…

I would ‘wake up’ from a deep coma eight days later…and for the next year we have been holding our collective breaths…

Why? Well when I ‘woke up’ they didn’t know ‘what’ was going to wake up. And when I de-compensated again and fought for every single breath- they were not sure at all I would survive the bilateral pulmonary emboli- for a moment there I almost didn’t.

So I see this year as a road where slowly things were built back on to it. Did I change, yes, I didn’t ‘wake up’ exactly the same; nor was my recovery smooth, so I didn’t ‘bounce’ back- quite the contrary- I think I got back most of my ‘work’ brain sometime late March. My boss who returned from three weeks in the Middle East on Monday, said he could see the old Inal back…

Me…I’m not so sure. Its like touching old ‘war wound scars’, you don’t remember they’re there until you accidentally touch them. Sometimes its a void I can’t get around, or a crankiness I can’t explain, or even moments of sheer nothing-ness.

Tonight destiny has brought me full circle- again I am home alone, my daughters are both out, my husband is on call, and my son has just landed on a Pacific island. But tonight I have Caesar for company- well at least until he ‘hits the deck’! And tonight, there’s no tea…

So I write to keep myself company…me, myself, and I…


6 Responses to “writing to keep myself company…”

  1. May 29, 2010 at 6:38 am

    I always wondered what actually happened. How scary! And nobody with you!
    I’ve had pulminary embolisms but I went to hospital because I couldn’t do anything enymore, not even walk up the stairs, and I was just angry with myself for being weak, but my doctor send me straight to hospital.

    It’s amazing you came out yourself. Or nearly yourself. I noticed after a bad head injury that kept regaining stuff for years. I think you still have some healing to go, and you will be complete again.

    But it’s not completely you yourself and you? It’s you and us 😉 We are here 😀

    • 2 INAL
      May 29, 2010 at 1:23 pm

      Thank you Aafke! Yes its scary- actually didn’t sleep much last night. Because I don’t know if it will happen again, I guess like any ‘anniversary’ the date and situation brought it all back.

      Undoubtedly I have ways to go in healing- its a long process; some days better than others. I’ve got a good team of doctors, and even when my husband can’t always be there he has been very supportive, as a friend, a partner, lover, and doctor- he called me almost every hour on the hour to make sure I was ok.

      But its good to know I have friends out there in the world.

  2. May 29, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I really liked Aafke’s last sentence.

    I too wondered what happened and just today I was thinking about whether I should ask you or not. I know some stuff about you and we have exchanged a couple of emails but there is a lot I don’t know, and I don’t know if I should know, you know? 😀

    Thank God for everything. I’m so glad we have you – complete 🙂

    Love you Inal!

    • 4 INAL
      May 29, 2010 at 2:22 pm

      Love you sweetie!

      You can ask, of course! It was and still is a strange event in my life- and indeed my life was interrupted. At the time I didn’t know how much more it would be. Most people wouldn’t openly talk about these events- but it helps me, it helps sort out how I feel, what I think about it, and its a way to reach out so others know these things happen- and many as unexpectedly and without explanation.

      Today I’m just puttering around- trying just to be in the space I’m in right now-

      Reading, online as well as on paper.

      Thank you my dear, thank you for being there.

  3. 5 Masriya22
    May 29, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Inal, i never comment but i am a loyal follower of your blog (i have it on my favourites, really enjoy your posts and i love the blogger’s soul, i check it every night before going to sleep) so in some way i am also with you 🙂

    All the best in your healing.

    Saludos desde España

    • 6 INAL
      May 29, 2010 at 7:15 pm

      Masriya22 welcome- bienvenido seas! Come sit have cup tea…

      Thank you so much for your kind and warm words! I’m honored.

      A little bit of home ancestral home…I miss it- haven’t been to Spain in a couple of years even with so much family scattered everywhere- thank you for bring up good memories with you presence!

      Y el placer mio…regresa cuantas veces quieras- hope to hear from you.

      Hasta luego!

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