Sometimes I wonder what blogs are really all about…no really.
Are they about what you do for a living; what you don’t like to do for a living?
Is it about social activism?
Is it about your religion?
Is it about what you think you believe you are as a person; or what others think of you as a person?
Or the plain sum total of all of the above and then some?
I am new to this world of blogsphere- the word was invented and I was already too old to be hip on it- but then I joined it tentatively… There have been some good things of it…and some not so good ones-one page which recently crashed and ruined a lot of medical “history” of things people could use, or needed to know…I will recover it and its updates in the next few days….hopefully!
Then there have been the silences that only come from what this virtual world calls blurking—interesting word that- it leaves you free from ever having having to comment on anything that might remotely interest you or not…cool as they would say.
But in my particular world- silence means something else entirely. It means there is something I have forgotten…and its the silence of my mind that is telling me “there you go again”…. No I am not being melodramatic; pessimistic or anything of the like…And I don’t say it to garner a response…it is what it is.
Though I have to say I have found beautiful friends in this medium; sometimes it’s hard to convey what it means to know that things are decidedly finite.
My kids believe I will be around for ever- in a way- The eldest asked the hardest question the other day and I had to think a few minutes before answering him- “Mom, what do you want us to do…later on?” He meant how did I want my living will to read for those moments when they might disagree on what next steps to take. Sounds, and is morbid- but a necessary thing in life- My son by age 17 had already written his Last Will and Testament; and has revised it every year as he is reassigned to more dangerous places… so its a fact of life in our home. My answer, “I want to live on my terms, until there are no more terms left to live”.
My husband of course, will always be another matter altogether- when you are a doctor; you always think one more thing will do it- but he has seen me say enough before- so I know he will probably do one of those things like “The Notebook” or the Hindi film “U Me Aur Hum” and stick by their loved one to the very end…he is decidedly not a quitter. Al-Hamdulillah!
So why am tonight of all nights, up instead of resting- while the whole house softly snores, creaks, groans away? Well because I am not getting any further from where I was when this all started…progression they say depends on the person’s genetics (That’s a bad batting average right there), their over all health and activity level… My Neurologist says that what she has seen is an up swing in brain activity for me- for now… But what I feel is different… I am feeling different. Maybe Allah’s way of telling me to prepare for a new turn, twist, wrinkle, or smooth surface- I am that kind of Muslim- the one that tries to listen to the call however it may arrive…
My son says its like those cool places between where the sun shines on things and the shadows -you walk from one to the other and as you walk you notice the change in temperature…I am feeling the change in temperature…and so is my husband- the way he looks at me at times; the way he holds my hand; the way he’ll touch my head…or the way he will freak out if, like today, I forget to put my meds in my purse.
I am, for all intents and purposes fully functioning person- my career and my boss can attest to that- but that I put in more effort everyday- you bet; that I need more hours to sleep; yep! Don’t get me wrong; I can shop like the next Tim Gunn imitation; love to travel every chance we get; enjoy classical music (Bach in particular; Andrea Bocelli, YO-YO Ma) but there are tiny things that are grayer now than they were before…and maybe that is what is most bothersome. And gosh I can’t put my finger on it- but I can’t do a Scarlet O’Hara- And think about it tomorrow…I might not remember! LOL
That I am OCD in my own particular way, says the doc, helps me be more in tune with my self; because I am constantly looking for ways of staying ahead of this particular game. Trying to stay in “the zone” for the longest period of time as I can…
So I read; I write especially at work; I do this bit of blogging- for now Yoga has been banned for me- so I will do Ta’i Chi…And I remember my other family members who had or have the same condition- My grandfather who left behind 120 odd journals in beautiful green fountain ink- a testament to his and our lives; my recently passed away aunt who left each and everyone of us a memento as she encountered them and affixed names to them; to my dear aunt Lila who though still alive is now locked for long moments at a time in things two, three, four decades passed- but will ask for my son (who has always made her laugh on the silliest of things) every ten minutes or so…we give her a fresh version of the last answer every time. And go to family reunions whenever time and place permits…I have four Ya-Ya friends that are threatening mass destruction on our friendship if I don’t come visit them soon- knowing them they will be knocking at the door pretty soon- if not sooner.
So tomorrow its Chinatown; herbs, roots, acupuncture, deep body massages…like I said anything but surgery for that other aggravating problem.
So, I will continue to live by two things: “Trust in Allah, and tie all your camels” and “Dare to Live, because to Die is so much Easier”
Shadjar Al Noor ...Really? 
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